Thursday, September 6, 2007

My Children

Disclaimer: This is a serious "piece.". I have found that, since starting this blog, words are pouring out of me. I may not be a good writer, but I think I may have finally found my life's passion. I cannot stop thinking of things to write. I can see myself becoming one of those ladies who wears long, out-of-style earrings and who goes on long trips by herself to "lose myself in my writing." (I have three small children who are my life and a husband who probably just freaked out when he read that...I'm not leaving, Babe.)
I intended for this blog to be lighthearted and funny at all times, but I'm not always lighthearted and funny, so I'm just going to use it to share myself with anyone who is interested. I'm going to pick and choose what I share because I don't want to depress the world and I don't want to hurt anyone I love. I apologize in advance to anyone who came here hoping for a laugh today, but bear with me. I'll try to have a funny poop, mess or mommy failure story for you tomorrow!

My Children have taught me so much. About life, about themselves, and a lot about me. I have spent many, many years of my life trying to "find myself" and figure out who I am and why I am here. I think I am figuring it out and I think my children are mostly to thank.

I have a dark side. A very dark side. I let this dark side rule most of my teens and early twenties. I think I hid it well from friends and family, but I spent years fighting it. I feel that it was never really at rest until I saw my first child's face. In that moment, as dramatic as this sounds, something happened and I chose happiness. For her, and for me. With the birth of each child, that dark place inside of me has retreated further and further until now, it is the exception in my life rather than the rule.

I have wrestled with my Christianity and feelings about God. I have rejected God, I have questioned God, and I have even thought I hated God. I have rejected organized religion as a whole, determined to "do it myself." But I know better now. I see God in my children's eyes and I know He has saved me from myself and brought me to this point in my life. A point at which I thought would never come. A point at which I realize I have come this far, not because of myself, but in spite of myself.

I always thought I had to be tough. My sometimes bitchy attitude, my sarcastic front, my inability to admit I'm wrong. They are a defense. One I have begun to let go. (My husband might disagree, but I'm working on it!) One I have realized has no place in a happy, honest life. My children allow me (encourage me) to be vulnerable and unknowing, opening my eyes to a side of life I never chose to see.

I never trusted. Anyone. I have always waited for "the other shoe to drop." I used to think my happiness wouldn't last because it never has. I was vigilant in the early days of my marriage, waiting for him to figure me out, stop liking me, see the real me and run screaming. Sometimes I would try to show him the "real me" just to test him to see how he would react. He never left. I had my first baby and waited. For something bad to happen to her, to lose her somehow. She never did. Two more beautiful children have come since them and I no longer wait. I am content, finally. Content knowing that this is where I'm supposed to be. Content that this is what I deserve and that it won't be stripped away at a moment's notice.

I am learning that I am an ok person who is deserving of this life. I am learning that we all deserve a life as great as mine. That we all should be this happy. Much of that happiness is a daily decision. I forget to make it sometimes. And even on those days, when I wake up feeling like my old self, I see my children and I remember. Remember that that is not me anymore. My children have rescued me.

1 comment:

Kimberly said...

I know exactly how you feel. I have made my share plus some of mistakes in my life. I have begged for forgiveness from my family. Some have accepted, others have not. But I came to find out after having my two girls that life is too short to worry about our past. We focus on our future (our children) and we ask God to forgive us and everything really does start falling into place. You are worthy of His love and when you seek Him out it teaches your children a very important life lesson. Love conquers all!