Thursday, October 16, 2008

Guilt and Gratitude

Those of you who know me best know this about me: I have lots of feelings. About everything. I'm an emotional person and I don't hide those emotions well at all. More often than not, I have so many dang emotions that they conflict with each other. Today is one of those days. I'm feeling an enormous amount of gratitude for lots of things, but also tons of guilt. I think, in order to give myself the therapy that I don't have time to go to, I'll just jot these things down.

I feel so lucky to have the husband that I have. He's letting me go this weekend to stay with my brother, Bo, in Kingsville, where he's the head coach at Texas A&M Kingsville. We couldn't really afford for all 5 of us to go this football season, but I was dying to see where Bo and April live, so Aaron said I could have his airline miles to buy a ticket and go by myself. My brother, Josh, is going too, without his wife and kids. I'm not sure why they couldn't go, but it just worked out that way.

The flip side of this is that I feel horribly guilty that he's staying home for 3 nights and 4 days by himself. I feel bad that we're leaving Josh's wife home alone with their kids while we have fun. Aaron has mentioned several times how the girls' arguing and whining. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to help with this. They will whine and argue and he will be impatient and frustrated. And he will want me here. And I feel guilty about having fun while he's at home feeling pissy. But also grateful that they will miss me. But mostly guilty.

I am grateful for the great friends that I have. I have a friend, Jennifer, who was talking with me earlier about some 100 calorie peanut butter packs they have at Starbucks and she is bringing me one today just because. My friend Kealey sent her husband over with a Weight Watcher's ice cream bar one day just because I was craving chocolate but am on a diet that won't allow cupcakes or ice cream. I feel guilty because I never do nice things for my friends. I mean, I think I am a nice friend and I would do whatever they asked me to do, but I don't go out of my way to do things like that. That makes me feel guilty. Mostly grateful, but also guilty.

I am grateful that my husband doesn't gripe at me about money. But I feel guilty that I bought a new pair of heels that I will wear, at best, once a month, and he didn't even say anything. Imagine if you had to work all week long, only to come home to a wife who shops online with your money. I feel really bad about that.

Ok, wait...I have a new feeling. I can't describe it, so I took a picture. (Not of the feeling, of course, but when you look at the picture, you can imagine what I'm feeling) It's of a pair of people who never feel guilt OR gratitude, from what I can tell.

First of all, those were clean, folded clothes. The baby on the left is the baby I keep every day. She and Rhett have become quite a pair since she became mobile. Neither of them are one bit grateful that I'm standing in the kitchen, as I type, making grilled cheese sandwiches and cut-up fruit for lunch. Nor are they grateful that I spent the last two days folding clothes to fill up that laundry basket.
It doesn't appear that they feel one bit guilty about the fact that, while standing a mere 10 feet away from them, they trashed the entire laundry basket (there's more around the corner.)
The only reason Rhett is running is because I screeched like a hoot owl when I saw it. The baby is proud of herself, I think. She laughed her ass off when I screeched. Rhett ran towards me, laughing and screaming to mock me.
Nope, no guilt or gratitude here...I need to learn from them. I'm off to spend some more money online and call my brother to have him stock up on liquor so we can have a weekend filled with total debauchery, sans guilt!


Anonymous said...

Maybe you wouldn't feel so guilty if you let your husband go and do something on his own.  Sounds like you are always the one going and doing and he is working hard to take care of his family. Not that a mother of 3 doesn't need a break occasionally, but so does a father of 3 who is providing the sole support.

cort's momma said...

WOW sounds like someone didnt take their crazy pill today!!!!

I hope you don't know this person, if so I would write them off your list ASAP!!!