Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Not just for cooking anymore....

Turns out, these are fairly versatile and can be used outside the kitchen. Let me explain.
I have boils on my butt. Yes, they are gross, they are painful and they are difficult to reach. If you know anything about boils (Sadly, we know plenty in our family. We are disgusting boil/staph/funk people.) you know that, in order for them to heal and not let the infection spread all over your body, you have to constantly drain the boils. It goes like this. Press with a warm cloth or soak in a tub. When all the pus (ewwww) rises to the top, it forms a whitish head and that's when it's prime for popping. It hurts like hell, but if you don't do it, the pressure builds up and hurts even worse. So, I now have three of these on my BUTT. Near my crack. My poor husband, up until recently, has been in charge of draining these. He hates it. Partly because he hates hurting me and partly because he has a very weak stomach when it comes to blood or pus or general ooziness. But he's done it, because my other options are to go to the doctor and have them lanced (hurts like double hell and keeps hurting) or let an infection spread to my bloodstream and I'll die.
However, on Monday morning, he left town for three days. He won't be back until late tonight. Which means I'm on my own in Boil Land. And they are hard to reach. Have you ever tried to squeeze anything in your crack region, using both hands? I'm not a contortionist, so I struggle. I've let it go a bit, but last night, after taking two Vicodin and still not getting any relief from the pressure, I decided I had to do this somehow. I soaked in the tub for 30 minutes. These babies were ripe when I got out. They were sick and huge and ready to be squeezed. But I couldn't get a grip on them. What can I do? I can't ask my kids. I don't have any friends that I'm willing to lose over a butt boil. What do I do? And then it hit me. I need a tool. Not pliers because that might hurt. But something like that. What do we have around the house that will squeeze without damaging? Ah, yes. Tongs.
You know what? It's a bit ridiculous and it hurt like hell, but it worked. It's easier than using my hands because there's something innate that prevents me from hurting myself. Using tongs creates the illusion that someone else is hurting me. Pus squirted, pressure relieved, problem solved. I feel like a genius for getting myself out of this strange predicament. I've used the tongs two more times (on the butt boils only), just because I can. Still in pain, but I feel better knowing I've taken matters into my own hands (or, in this case, tongs).
And just in case some of you were worried about being invited over for fried chicken, I've already added tongs to my grocery list. The Butt Tongs will be trashed immediately following the final draining.
Now, I don't know about y'all, but I've suddenly got a craving for some tapioca pudding.


haley said...

um. ew. :)

You know me said...

WOW I can totally see you & I having this conversation & one of us on the other end of the tongs, but I am really in shock that you blogged on it!!! No shame...No shame

But I still love you...remember I am the sister that massages and/or scratches your back/butt to sleep...*that would be a butt with no boil!