Have You Ever....

....been convinced there was someone in your house? You hear a noise that could only be made by a lurking rapist, mass murderer or, at best, a thief?
It used to happen to me quite a bit when I lived alone, but since I've gotten married, I rarely think about it. I have my big, strong husband to protect my children and I. But last night, he was out of town. And the kids and I went to visit friends and didn't get home until right after dark. I hate getting home after dark when no one else is here.
So last night, the kids and I were in the kitchen, snacking and talking when I heard it. The noise. I tried to be cool. I didn't want to startle the children. So I stood up from the table and walked toward the front of the house, which was completely dark. I was going to walk into all the bedrooms, turning on all the lights, but I didn't want to be that girl. You know, the high-heeled idiot in the scary movie who goes right toward the bad guy and as you watch her get closer, you are like "GO BACK, YOU IDIOT! WHY ARE YOU WALKING RIGHT TOWARD HIM???? RUN!!!"
So I came back. And debated. Do I get a butcher knife, tell Avery to dial 911 if she hears anything, or just act as if nothing is wrong? I decide not to scar my children and just sit down and be cool. But then I hear it again. And I say, very calmly, "Shhh...kids, be quiet for a second."
Avery says, "Why, Mom? Did you hear something?"
Reese immediately begins sucking her fingers, and says "I scared, Momma." So much for being cool.
I tell them it's fine, but honestly, I'm scared. I am alone with three children, one of whom can't walk or speak, one of whom won't do a dadgum thing I tell her to and one who knows everything and isn't scared of anything.
I decide that we will all three sleep in my bed. I will take the phone and I will lock the bedroom door and we won't come out until morning. But how do I get this across without sounding panicky? I say "Hey, wouldn't it be fun to have a slumber party in my big bed since Daddy is gone?" "YEAH!" they yell! And before I can say a word, Avery runs into her bedroom (where the bad guy is probably waiting) and comes back with her stuffed puppy. I breathe a sigh of relief and then think "What a loser mom I am...letting my child go back where the devil is. I'm a deadbeat."
I say, "Ave, let's all go get in Mommy's bed. It will be so fun."
We go in the bedroom. I leave all the kitchen and living room lights on. I want the bad guy to think I'm up all night, waiting for him. After the kids are all in the bedroom, I come out and say quietly to the dark, silent, front of the house, "I have two phones and a gun. If you come get us, you will either get caught or shot, so don't even try to mess with my kids or me."
I go back to the bedroom, certain I've either angered or scared the intruder. As I walk in, Avery pops up from behind a chair with a "RRRRAAAAARRRRR!" "Ha ha, Momma. You thought I was the monster that's in my room!" Real funny you little toot. You won't be laughing when I have to single-handledly disarm, capture and torture the boogey-man all to save your smarty little bottom.
I begin removing makeup. I hear a door slam. I look up and it's Avery. She has just left the bedroom, gone back to her room to get Reese's puppy and come back. Good Lord, how many times are we going to tempt this perverted murderer before he finally comes rushing in with a knife, gun, brass knuckles and Chinese throwing star?
I lock the bedroom door and we all get in bed. I lay on Aaron's side so I can see the door. I stare relentlessly at the bottom of the door, waiting to see the shadow of two feet so I can call the cops. We are watching Barnyard and it's loud. I am glad because he'll think that we aren't paying attention and that's when he'll strike. After an hour of vigilant security work, I begin to be exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can wait on this dude to do his worst. The kids are all asleep now. Avery raises her head sleepily and says, "Mom, can you please turn off the TV?"
I turn off the TV, sure he'll strike now that he thinks we're asleep. I watch the door for at least 30 more minutes and he never shows. I'm not sure how or when I ever fell asleep, but we woke up this morning, safe and sound.
Can you imagine a bigger idiot than me?